I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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