i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
