Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize