Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
