I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
