next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
