when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
