While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
