The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
