my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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