Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
