If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
