so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
