I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
