i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
