At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
