You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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