I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
