my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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