My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
