and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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