Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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