Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
