Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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