you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
