careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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