Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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