So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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