just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
