actually, I'm a sock model
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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