I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
