The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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