Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
