I think my fart just growled at me.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
