just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
