My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
