Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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