Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just found puke in my bra..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
