My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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