Ambien. No doubt about it.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
