Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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