I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
