dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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