wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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