I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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