so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
