Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
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Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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