toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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