I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
