just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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