Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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