Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Rumble strips road head = magical
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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