Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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