I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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