She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
