My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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