Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
