He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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