Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
